i feel so happy, and so blessed
Saturday, Jun. 12, 2004 - 11:43 pm
haha, you should see me, i'm quite a sight. but i love it. i'm sitting on my bed, my maxwell's asleep at the foot of my bed, with a lap top on my lap, there's two bibles on my bed, some other books, my notebook (with all my secret thoughts in it! haha... no, not that secret. haha but yeah), and there's cds all over the place, and i'm listening to music too. it makes me feel really old, if that makes sense. like it really makes me feel grown up, i know that sounds stupid. but it really feels like college. and it makes me really happy for some reason. like it doesn't make me scared at all, which is kind of suprising. haha.
i've been writing a lot lately, and it makes me really really happy. i never realized until these past two weeks how mmuch it does for me. it really just makes me feel like i know myself better, if that makes sense. and i love it. and when i say writing, i mean more journaling. but whatever.
and i've been really just reading the bible a lot, and talking to God, and it's made me so excited for the future. like i can't even explain it too you. like last night i was soooo hyper. and it was because of that, it was because of God. i just feel so excited to do His will, where ever that may take me. i just love it. i love the thought of that. and it just... i can't explain it, it just makes me happy beyond any belief. i love God so much.
except there's still that part of me, that doesn't want to grow up. ijust want that innocence for ever. i just want to feel like i don't exactly HAVE to do anything, if i don't want too. and i just want to be naive sometimes. like if i didn't know all the horrible things going on in the world. and i know part of that is terrible and doesn't make sense. but it makes things seem simpler sometimes. and on the other end of things, i wouldn't want it like that either.b/c knowing what i do know about the world, and life, and just people in general. it blows my mind in amazing ways. and it makes me so passionate. and it makes me want to do everything. and it makes me want to change the world for the better. and i truely believe with the help of Christ, one person can do anything they feel should be done. and i don't know. i just want to give so much of myself away. i really feel like i'm at a point in my life where i could just pour all of myself, everything i am into something so much bigger than myself. something so huge, i don't even know how huge it is, and i might never. i just want to give myself away. to everything. just to better everything, just give myself to people, and places, and just make things right. i want to give myself to my husband, and to my friends, and to my kids. and i want people to know it. i want people to understand that about me. that i'm so willing to just love them, and make them, and help the broken parts of their lives. i just, i can't explain it to anyone or myself even. it just overwhelms me.
the one thing i'm scared of though, is some of my relationships changing. there are a few people in my life that i just. i can't lose. and i'm so scared things are going to change. and i don't want the dynamic of how i feel about these people to ever change. or at least not change yet. b/c things seem so perfect. and i just want them to stay that way. there are people i love so much,that it blows my mind how it even got that way. there are people i love so much that i just want them to be happy. there are people i love so much that i would do anything for them to be right. and there are people who when they hurt, i hurt back. and i just... i can't understand it. i can't even understand what's happened to me. i can't even understand how this happened to me. how i became so vunerable in the face of these incredible friendships. so vunerable that i would be willing to give up anything, for it all. i don't understand how i let myself go like that, how i have poured my heart to these people. how i let them see every part of me -the good, the bad, and the ugly. and the fact that i know that they feel the same way. my God, i'm just so blessed. just sooo so blessed. it brings me to tears. like i'm crying right now. b/c of all of this. b/c all of this is so much bigger than i am. so huge that i could never fully undestand it. and the only person who gets it is God, b/c He's the one that made it. it just... it rocks my world. i am so happy, so blessed.
someone said something to me the other night that really struck me and was really incredible for me. and it was that, you have to eventually come to a point, where you have to let things go. and realize, they just aren't meant to be. and realize that things happen for a reason. and just accept that. and take it for what it was worth. and you just have to let it go. and know it's for the best. and it will be okay. okay for everyone. and it's like, that is what i have always told myself, and almost tricked myself into thinking that's what how i really felt. but it wasn't until he said that. that it actually hit me. like, that's truly how i have to look at the things i've lost this year. and yeah, it is heartbreaking, but there comes a point where i have to understand that it happened for a reason, and that it's going to turn out the way it should. and that things will be right. and that's okay. and it was good while it lasted. and just, something about the way he said it, made it easy to accept it. and made it really a lot easier to just say ya know what... okay, i gotta let this go for all of us. it just, it helped me a lot.
haha...sometimes, this thing kind of cracks me up. b/c i think only about two people read it, which is fine. i don't care. but sometimes i think this thing does more for me than ever. and i always say "you", and i don't even know who that is. haha. but that's okay. i don't know what i'm even talking about anymore. haha.
and you know what, i loved the beach (senior week). all of it, the drama, the hurt, the tears, the laughter, the sleeping, the togetherness. it all. it makes me so happy to know that that's how i ended highschool in a way. it was just... i loved it. i can't explain it. but some amazing things happened to me there. absolutely amazing. i love the beach, it makes me so happy and content.
even though i'm not sure what this song is exactly about it really make's me think of my youth, along with the fact that it's the "song that makes me passionate"
i won't be held responsible
she fell in love in the first place
for the life of me
i can not remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise
for the life of me
i can not believe
we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshman
*22 days until jbro comes home*
