so damn's my favorite word tonight. and this entry started off with me bein pretty messed up...but it turned out pretty damn good!
Tuesday, Dec. 30, 2003 - 1:36 am
alright, get ready, i feel a... lot coming on here.
i'm in a really funky mood. like one of those moods where i've had a really great night and a lot of fun and everything about it was good. except for some reason i just feel like crying. and i'm not even completely sure about what. and like i have this big urge to have like deep and meaningful conversations with people about our relationships and stuff. and like i feel like telling everyone how much they mean to me and stuff. real sentamental. and like at the same time everything seems really confusing and unsure. and then when you think about it all together it makes you feel even worse. you know, one of THOSE moods. i'm such a ... weirdo. that was a stupid word but that's what i am. and by the way, i'm kind of in a sarcastic mood, except for it's a weird sarcastic. it's like that sarcasm i have when i'm really like... you know, in that mood i just described above. okay, so i'll stop talking about my weird mood and just get on with this junk!
i realized tonight, well no i've always kind of known this but it seems especially apparent right now. i REALLY don't like, and i mean REALLY, like if you could hear my voice right now you could tell i'm being so passionate about this, that i REALLY don't like having to share my best friend with people. uhm, a little greedy, yeah i know. but damn, you've had the shit year i've had, you'd be feeling that way right now too. and it's not even that like... i feel like i'm being replaced or anything. i mean damn, lane and i both know that ain't ever happenin, but like, jeez i hate that fucking maryland place so much sometimes ... i can't even explain to you how much i hate it sometimes. and i mean, yeah yeah i gotta say you know, taught me a lot, about how sometimes things are the way they are and it sucks but in the end it's worth it. and yeah yeah, it made me realize how strong lane and i's relationship is because nothing about us has really changed when you get down too it. and yeah yeah i have met some really great and new awesome ppl this year that i'm sure i wouldn't have meet if i wasn't kind of forced to step out of that comfort zone and all. and i know it taught her a lot too. and i know that like she's more than likely coming back and i mean, my god, i couldn't ever explain to someone in even a 40 day time period how incredibly happy that makes me but damn, still, i just... i get jealous. what can i say, i've always been that way. so i'll move on to something else to rant about and by the way, don't take offense to that lane, you know i'm just in a funk mood and we've talked about this and blah blah, i love you!
--and on that same like lane note, i was talking to lee tonight (this made me happy) and i was just like i really don't want lane to go back. and he was just like "i know. i wish i could do something. b/c i know how much it kills you and i would just give anything for that not to make you sad anymore" ... it made me cry...so anyways no more of that crying stuff
so we'll move on to this incredibly "sticky situation" (as lee likes to call it, haha) that i'm in. except... i'm gonna use code names b/c... it's easier for me that way b/c then i'm won't get the wrath. so anyways. no...you know what, this situation is so messed up that i don't even know how i COULD talk about it in code names. i just hope everything works out... works out in a good way. i really really want it too. and i think it's about damned time that something for once goes my way. ah! but it's all so complicated! i need to do some major, and i mean MAJOR conversing!
and you know like... everyone i hang out with (just about) is in these serious relationships. i mean, i love abby and noah, i love kat and matt, i love adri and lee (i want them to get married, it would be the best ever). but i mean, it's couples almost 24/7. and (this is NOT directed to ANYONE personally so PLEASE DON'T take offense to it i'm just get some things off my chest b/c if i don't i'm gonna blow!!!) but sometimes i get sooooooo freaking sick of seeing everyone hold hands, of seeing everyone be all sweet to their boyfriend/girlfriend, to hearing people talk about their damned relationships and how absolutely wonderful they are and blah blah blah i mean i love you guys so much but SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN! it's so hard to listen and see and .... practically breath that crap for so long! i mean, i'm glad you're happy but save it for each other and not for the whole world. the whole world doesn't have to know that you wish you could jump in bed with this person and have sex with them all night and day long. i mean... DON'T MAKE ME THROW UP! and i think if you've ever been in my place damn you know what it feels like. and i don't wish anything bad on couples, it's just... come one CAN I HAVE SOME LOVIN TOO! i want a relationship! and i hope that whenever i get into a relationship i'm like that but chances are that if that happens, especially if i get into a relationships that's say... dawson's creekish then i would be giddy like that, and i'd talk about it 24-7 too. (i mean i hope i wouldn't but chances are!) but some one just pipe my little butt down and tell me to shut the fuck up b/c you don't want to hear it. phewww and that's enough about that topic...i got real worked up over that!
i really really need to figure out where i'm going to go to college. i mean pretty much i think i'm going to clemson. there is so much that i absolutly love here, so so so much (i mean that's a completely different topic that i'll get onto in a second -- yeah you thought you were off the hook on reading about that, but no, you aren't. that little section just hasn't come yet...so anyways back to deciding about colleges...) so like i said, there's so much that i love here and when i think about things i just want to be here for them. but sometimes i'm so unsure about that. like i'm afraid, that if i don't get out of this town now, i'm going to be stuck here my entire life. you know, one of those ppl that lives in the same place for almost their entire life. and that's not to say that there's anything wrong with that, because there isn't. it's just that i'm not sure i want to be one of those people. i want to at least experience something outside of clemson. and i'm sure, that i would be pretty happy wherever i went. i would like the mountains of lees-mcrae, it wouldn't be too far from home. i would like the beach at CofC and i really like the atmosphere of the college there and it's not far from home either. i would like auburn and the first time i ever saw it something about it just struck me and it's a pretty big college so i'm sure i would meet a lot of people. and the town itself is soooo much like clemson. and so that's what i'm dealing with. and so like i said (and i've said in past entries but who cares) i really would love to say in clemson b/c of what this place means to me but a part of me feels like i need to get completely out on my own, like out of this town, where i have no real connections, b/c if i don't, then i'm never going to truely feel independant. and so. now that we're done with how i can't decide about colleges...we'll talk about what i love about clemson. b/c...you know, that's always nice.
the things i love about clemson are... 1) my entire family is here and i absolutly love my family to death. my family is crazy and i'm sure no one really gets them but my family is just ... indescribable, and something that if i went away from i would truly truly miss. 2) i want to be able to see my brother a lot. i mean yeah we have our fair share of disagreements, etc. but i love him to death, and he cracks me up, and he has kept me going so many times without even knowing it. and i want to be able to see him go away for his junior and senior prom, and i want to be able to see him run in cross country races (b/c he's going to kick ass! just wait!), and i want to just be here for all of those little... special moments. 3) ever since i can remember i have been coming to clemson for football games, family dinners, christmas, thanksgiving, birthdays, etc. and i just have so many memories here. i mean, i can look at just about anything when i'm driving around this town and have a memory from it. and that's so special to me. 4) i love my church. and i mean, granted, it's not like i would be in the youth group anymore, but it would be familiar. and church is something that has become such a huge part of my life, and something about that Catholic little church and it's community. i love it. 5) clemson sports. damn, it just doesn't get much better than that. if i left that is something i would miss so much! 6) clemson's such a cute little small town. i mean i know that sometimes we all bash it and crap and that's you know fair. b/c sometimes it can be boring, but i mean damn, that's what having shaving cream fights on bowman and getting caught by the cops are for. 7) if lane really does move back she'll be here, and i'll be here. and that would make me so happy. and you all know that, and so i don't need to go into much detail. but that would be so absolutly wonderful. and not even just that, like when other people come home from college, it won't matter WHEN they come home, b/c i'll be HOME! so i'll get to see people more than i regularly would... ...it's just stuff like that... that keeps me to this little orange tigerpaw town!
but you know...college is still like 6 months off. and i still got a semester of high school left. and there are so many things that i hope can happen in those short little six months. i mean, it gets me pretty upset when i really think about it. i mean i've known some of these people since 6th grade, and the damned fact of the matter is after graduation i might not see any of them for the rest of my life. these are the people that have shaped and molded me into who i am. and i can't ever express what those people mean to me fully and i can't ever repay them, and then you add in that i might never talk to or see them ever again. that's so sad. yet i feel so lucky at the same time. i honestly believe one of THE BEST things that has ever happened to me in my life has been moving to clemson. i have loved every second of it. i have loved every friendship. i have loved every nickname. i have loved every inside joke. i have loved every fight (well not at the time obviously but if you're bein sentimental like me ya damn get it). i have loved every late night conversation. i have loved every experience i have had here. it's been absolutly incredible. and on the whole i am in love with the person that it has made me become. and i truely believe that if i were some where else there is no way i could have ever been effected by a group of people and a town in my life. my hopes for this last little bit are this-- that my friendships that i have had since middle school that are sunddenly slipping through the cracks and me saved, at least for this last little bit; that we can just be what we used to be and forget about everything else and just truly enjoy every last second of this experience. that the friendships i have just now come into in these last two years can continue to grow into something so beautiful and so awesome. that i can have one last "high school romance" (geez! could i get anymore... cliche and corny. but who gives a damn, i'm tellin the truth, plus we already have been over all of this above and i really don't need to get started on this again ahha). that from here on out i can laugh more and more each day and have more and more fun each day (or at least the majority of the days. haha). basically...i just want things to be right, i want them to be wonderful. i want to be able to say "you know, the beginning of my senior year absolutely sucked and i hated it but that last semester was awesome and it made the beginning worth it." i wanna make memories...
and when graduation day actually comes i want to be able to just cry and laugh and remember everything that's happened. and i'm sure i'll write letters to all my friends and it will be sad, yet so surreal (not sure about my spelling but go figure, what else can you expect from me?! i gotta add a little spice!). and i want to have all of my family at dinner. and shh! they don't know this yet. but i'm going to give a big speech, like they can't even imagine. and dammit, they better pull out their tissues, b/c i'm gonna make them cry. my goal is to make everyone in my family cry, haha that's kind of a funny sounding goal but yeah. ahah. i just want everyone in my family to know what they have done for me and how much i love them. damn...thinking about all this graduation stuff makes me have this weird little smile on my face. like..."damn i'm sad it's here but thinking about everything i've been through with all of these people i love makes me damn proud"
and now, i want to be cheezy and cliche and stupid and girly some more and talk about what i'm thinking my plans are for the future. (i have recently really discovered what i think God is calling me to do with my life and i'm really excited) i want to obviously go to college and i believe i'm going to major in education. right now i'm not sure what age group, i'm thinking elementary or highschool aged (definelty not middle school, middle school is horrible! haha). and at least one or two summers i want to travel to Europe and just see that part of the world. everything about it. i wanna see everything from ireland to france to iceland. everything i can. and then after i have graduated or the summer before/after my senior year i want to find a way to travel to africa and help the people there. there are countries in africa that are so poor that no one has food or shelter. and aids over there is killing so many people every second and leaving so many children homeless that there isn't a way i COULDN'T help. and i think it would just be a life changing incredible experience (oprah has really taught me about this one...and like she said) "in my final hours i'm going to be judged for what i have done" and nothing could be more true. and if i have the means and all to go over there, even it's for 2 weeks b/c that's all i can afford, then that is an incredible gift. and then you know i want to get married and be incredibly in love and of course i'll be teaching...b/c you know that's what i went to college for! haha. and i want to have AT LEAST 4 kids. b/c i love kids and yeah, that's just perfect, it's what i want. and i want to help out with the youth group at the church whereever i'm living. and if they don't even have a youth ministry program going, hell, maybe i'll start one! but i want to at least do something of that nature. and then i'm sure i don't want to teach my whole life. so after i teach for awhile, i might open up a store. with like, arty stuff with which most of it i've made. or if that doesn't work. then i don't know. i'll go back to school and become a vet or something like that. and of course sometime me and lane are going to live next door to each other on the beach. and our kids are going to be best friends. and we're going to go for walks on the beach and push our babies. and it's going to be my perfect dream. and you know what...i'm sure it won't turn out that way. but hey, i can dream and however it does turn out, i'm sure it will be perfect. :)
okay, i'm not in such of a funk mood anymore. that really helped me to write all of that out. i feel a lot better now. pretty content, pretty happy. ya know, it's pretty amazing when you step back and realize that if you just take things as they come to you and realize how lucky you are for how God has blessed you in your life how incredible it can make you feel.
i love you guys. and if you ever need me. don't hesitate. i might not always know what to do, but i'll at least do what i think is best. and thank you everyone for everything you have done for me, i couldn't begin to thank you enough.
it's just how it is... ya know... this year. it's not really that bad, it's just been different. and it's been hard, but i guess that's growing up. and deep down...i know i wouldn't trade it for anything in this entire world.
and with all of that... i'm off too dream in bed... goodnight :)
