blha
Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004 - 11:06 pm
ahh... i'm in one of my moods tonight, one of my moods meaning i'm thinking way to much about everything. so brace yourself, i feel a rant comin on...
i really hate how i am so far foward. and i've come so far in aspects of my life. and then it's like one day, i lose it all, and i'm back where i'm started. i don't want to feel like this, i really wish i could stop missing my life. there's so much for me here and in this moment. and things are so very much alive, and i want to just be in that, and exsist in that. i don't want to be jealous and i'm tired of missing what used to be. and i guess, it has gotten a little better overall but i think about it, and it hurts so much. and i keep telling myself to just stop, that it will be okay, to just be patient. it's all coming back, i just have to wait my turn. but i still get so jealous. i just want it now. i want it to be perfect right now.
the other day i was talking to brittany and jenn about the whole... situation. and i realized... that i am letting them control me. as much as i thought i wasn't, and as much as i don't even want them too, i am. and whether they know it or not, they do control me. b/c i shouldn't have to worry about what i'm gonna do in situations. i should be able to do what i want to do and be happy with that, and not have to worry about how someone's going to react. and i started thinking about it so much, and it's really been bothering me. and i'm just like... what the fuck... what the hell have i let myself become. and as much as i wish i would just take control, and do something about all of this, and as much as i even want too, as much as i know inside of me that i deserve better than this, and that i owe it to myself to take myself back from everything else, i can't. i'm too afraid too. i try to please the world, when i can't. and i wish i could get past all of that. b/c i know it isn't healthy to let others run over me. but i do it anyways, and the fact of the matter is, i don't know how to stop myself.
and all of that really makes me want to go to college sooo bad. i am so ready to get away from that. i want that soooo bad. as much as i love highschool, i'm glad i get to leave all that behind.
but for the most part, i really don't want to graduate. tonight my brother asked me if i knew anyone going to college of charleston (b/c i'm considering it) and i was like "well not really, kathryn just applied so she hasn't found out yet" and my dad was like "well, college isn't about your old friends anyways, it's about the new ones. when i was in college i didn't ever know any of my highschool buddies" and it made me want to throw up when he said that. b/c i DON'T want that to happen to me. i REALLY REALLY don't. and as much as i know part of what he was saying was true, i want to be different. there are some people in my life right now that i want to be in my life throughtout college. and i don't care what it takes, i'm going to damn well try to make that happen. and sure, i want to meet new people, but there are some people, that i'm really not ready to leave behind yet, if ever.
and yeah, just an update on colleges... i've narrowed it down to college of charleston and clemson. we'll see...
*sigh* ... i need a boy... lol. i sound so pathetic. lol. i'm really not but i'm in one of those moods. lol
i tell you what i am ready to be over with though... and that's senior projects! grr... i don't even really want to talk about that right now.
blah... this is enough. i thought all of this was important but it all just kinda came out blah, and really i didn't say anything at all, it's just the same old crap i always talk about. whatever. at least there's no school tomorrow b/c of the ice!
