ahh...i feel much better now
Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 - 9:12 pm
i'm in one of my weird "i feel like throwing up everytime i think about things" moods. not fun.
friday is the retreat and i don't even want to think about it. i just really really hope people sign up...
so i'm supposed to be starting swing dancing lessons tomorrow... i don't know if i'm excited about it or if i don't even want to do it anymore.
prom messes me up. it's the same kind of thing i'm excited about it, but at the same time i don't even want to go. no... but i want to go i just... who knows?! well i know but i don't feel like explaining.
and i think it's weird how brittany has the whole situation figured out, while none of the rest of us really do. i dlkahgahfa funk.
i was listening to all this really good music today in the car. the kind that is happy but when ever you hear it, it makes you think, and actually in turn makes you kinda sad. and it made me start thinking about graduation and all my friends, and all the people i don't talk to anymore, and all the people i miss, and just... everything. every experience. and it made me really upset. i really really really don't want to graduate. like, i don't want to do the work anymore, i dont' want any part of the school work anymore, but i am soooo going to miss the social part of it. sooo sooo soo much.
which brings me to this year...
i think last year was possibly the best year of my high school days. but then when i think about this year, this year has been the awesome too, awesome but in such a different way. i think this year i changed a lot. and i absolutly love the group of friends i've made this year. kathryn, lee, jenn, zach, and i. i love it. i think it's wonderful. it makes me really sad that i didn't hang out with them and austin and daniel and ashton kunal and rena and all of them before this year, but i am SO thankful that i have gotten to know them all so well this year. i absoultly love it. and i don't know what i would have done without my three girls this year. so in a way, i have absolutly hated what i have lost this year, but what i've gained... i never want to lose. it's weird how when you're in a moment, with certain people you can never imagine it any different. but then one day you realize that your whole ... "group" is completely different, and so you kind of force yourself to hang around different people, and it's an absolute blessing in disguise. sometimes, i still get messed up with what has gone down this year, but never in my life would i trade it for what i have gained this year. i've gained three absolutly amazing friendships, that i think i will have throughout college, that have taught me so much, and that i absolutly do not want to live without. i love those three girls to death. and i've realized that i'm a lot more independant than i thought i was. yeah, drop me on my face, and watch me get back up again. b/c i have, and i can do it again if i'm forced too. and i don't feel that bad for myself anymore, or for the people who did it. you know, you win some, you lose some, and life goes on. and i'm not gonna get so worked up over it. and i'm really proud of myself for being so strong this year... that makes me sound really boastful, but it's the truth.
the only thing i wish could have been better this year was that there are two people i really really miss in my life. i mean, i did see it coming, and i knew it would happen but it really just makes me sad to think about it. and i know i couldn't help it exactly, b/c i can't change the distance between us. but i really wish i knew what was going on with them still. and i really wish i could see them every day. and talking on the phone is great, it really is, but it's not the same. except for i have a lot of faith that God's taking care of that and that it's going to work out for the best. and i know those relationships are still growing, and far far from over. and i do really love that and thank God for it.
and God... God's amazing. and this life He has blessed me with is incredible. i couldn't ask for anything more or better. sometimes yeah... sometimes it's so hard, but there aren't words to describe the magnitude of God's grace and love. it absoultly blows my mind. and with that, i'm off for tonight.
love you guys and God Bless
-melissa
