what an amazing, beautiful blessing i have in this life
Sunday, May. 30, 2004 - 1:35 am
so i figured i should have some kind of graduation entry...or at least something to that affect. even though graduation was like five days agos. but who knows if really after this summer i'll ever write in this thing again... so anyways
like i said, graduation was 5 days ago. i really never got as emotional as i thought i would. it seems like i was more emotional at past graduations watching my friends graduate than i actually was at my own graduation. i dunno why that really is either. maybe it's because if nothing else, this year (as well as the rest of high school) has taught me that things change, people change, and relationships change. and really you learn to deal with it. and all this change really is never as big as you make it out to be. you'll live. and so maybe that's how i looked at graduation. or maybe it was also because through out this year, i realized who i was going to stay in touch with after highschool and who i wasn't going too. which is really sad, but really is the honest truth. or maybe it's just simply because it hasn't truely hit me yet. that none of it has. everything from memories, times, friends, the entire experience. maybe it's just one of those things that you look back on in when you're 40 - and that's when it hits you, that you miss it. and that you didn't take it for what it was worth.
and that's something about highschool. i'm already sure of that. that i didn't take it for what it was worth. i mean, in all honesty - if you think about it, it really is the only time in your life that you have all to yourself. when really, you have no responsibility. when really, you can do pretty much whatever you want. you can choose who you hang out with, and who you don't. and really, it's about trying to figure out who you are, and where you fit into this crazy world. and really you meet people and you are able to be with some really awesome people and learn some incredible things from them, and have crazy fun times with them. and in all reality - there's never another time in you're life - where you have that freedom. and even though i've realized that enough that i can talk about it, i'm sure i haven't truely realized it. to it's extent. i mean, high school did some incredible things for me, and was incredible. and i'm going to miss that. and really the saddest part about graduating is that you realize there's some people you'll never see again. that's what's sad. i mean it's weird to think that people i've been seeing since 6th grade are just kinda gone. not that they were really anything but just a face, because i never knew them, but it's still kinda weird. and even when i am friends with people, i'm sure there are people that will kind of just drift away, and i'll never really know what happens to them. and that's sad. knowing that, i would have enjoyed and cherished my time with them a little bit more. and maybe done things a little bit differently. and on the other side of that, it's kind of cool to think that really, we were all kind of thrown into this crazy thing called highschool by chance. b/c that's all it really was. and to think that through that we've learned to love people, and laugh, and we've gained amazing friendships, and we've also hated people, and been hurt. all just because we had some affect on one another. but i think that's a good thing. and it was just a few short years, in the whole scheme of things, that we were all together. and it was awesome. it truly was. and that's all there really is too it. we'll go our seperate ways. but our days at Daniel were what shaped us in our core, into what we are. that's when we began to get a glimpse of who we are and the rest, is up to us. we'll always carry a little bit of each other with us, no matter if we're near or far. and that, that's what i think is bittersweet about it.
and so with saying that, i'm really excited about the beach on monday. i think it should be awesome.
and another note. kind of too abby and kat, i don't even know if they still read this or not. either way, i'm gonna say this, for them - and if for nothing else, just myself. for the sake of saying it. i just kind of feel weird for the way things ended. it was like all year things got stranger and stranger, and then eventually it was just all completely cut off. and i hate the way that was handled. and either way it's probably for the best. but regardless, i wish you both a lifetime of happiness and success, where ever life takes you. and i do love you, and i do thank you - just for everything. and i truly do hope that this wasn't the end for us. i hope we're able to at least keep in touch some...
that makes me kind of uncomfortable with who i am. i mean, with what i believe, am i really being truthful to that. i mean, is that the kind of person i am, that just drops their friends to find new ones. and sure, that wasn't really what happened. there were so many factors playing into it, and i wouldn't change it for the most part, but still. it just makes me question myself.
and so now that high school is over (which is still strange to say), i'm really excited for what's to come though. i really just feel like things are going to work themselves out in tremendous ways.
i can't wait to go to clemson and just get started with the rest of my life.
i went to irene and robbie's wedding today, and it was the most perfect and beautiful thing i have ever seen in my life. it was just so easy to see the very hand of God, working His grace in the lives of His children. and it just made me want that. it made me want to live a completely pure life, and in doing that, honor Him and just fully trust Him. and that just makes me really excited. b/c God has made someone for me, and that's so beautiful and i want to honor that with everything that i am. and when that day comes, my husband and i, with God can live an honorable life for Him. and that's what love is, and that's the way God intended it to be. and that makes me so happy. and i just want that, i want it so bad. not to where i'm like desprate for it. but to where i'm just like "okay God, i gotcha, and i'm ready to just see where you lead me, wherever that may be" because wherever God takes me, even if i don't understand it, it's going to be right - and that goes for every aspect of my life. and that makes me sooooo excited to be moving on from Daniel.
i know that God is going to help me find a passionate church to go to along with my church. and i know that my faith life is going to just take off more than ever, and i'm so excited for it, and i really just want to work for that.
and i just want to serve the Lord in all that i do. the summers of my college years i just want to spend giving it all back to Him. i want to work at camps, and go on mission trips. i want to do a semester at sea, and just see the world. one summer i want to do some serious soul searching, and just travel all over the world, just seeing what i can see. no matter where that is. and i want to be a teacher, and i want to go to Africa - i feel soooo drawn and called to that place. and i don't even know that much about it. i just know that the people there are seriously desprate for help and the love of Jesus Christ. and i just want to help them, in every and any way that i can. especailly the children, most of which are without parents, b/c their parents have died from aids. i just want to love them, and to teach them, and to show them who God is and how awesome He is. and God is gonna help me with this, i know it, i know He is. and i'm so excited. i think about it, and it just makes me filled with so much joy and so much happiness. it just blows my mind. and that's what i'm excited for.
and my God, i am so blessed. i have some absolutly amazing friends, who i love so much and i thank you for. i have an amazing family, i have an amazing life.
